When I was six, maybe seven, my father said I would be disowned if I ended up a faggot. Perhaps there was a softness in me he was afraid of—a tenderness his father taught him to bury when he was a child back in the Philippines. Twenty years have passed since I learned to perform as someone else around my father, and in that time, our attempts to connect have often missed each other, expressed through indirect gestures that neither of us knows how to reciprocate. As I come to terms with our irreparable estrangement, I present a question to the father I fail to connect with and to an imagined man:
What if you were my fucked up dad and I was your fucked up boy and we cried together? This line of inquiry is the very title of my multimedia series, framing concepts of projection, queer desire, fatherhood, role-playing, and fantasy. In response to the silences my dad left behind, I have brought into existence Sinu, a person who could fill those gaps, as an effort to understand how care and desire can coexist in the same body. Our histories—my father’s, Sinu’s, and mine—smear across cut pharmacy prints, stereograms, karaoke, rubbing transfers, and my body as I reconcile with a wavering sense of self. The very disparate nature of my practice reacts to what I inherited from my father: a lineage of physical hurt and emotional silences. I am restlessly searching for a history that can make space for who I am within a culture that cannot.
I attempt to understand my father’s past through the scraps I do possess—fistfuls of photographs that show his exhaustion, hurried stories that my mother and sister recite with melancholy, and buried memories of my childhood where I felt his hands on my shoulders. I can start to remember my dad as someone who tried. I can start to dream for myself and for him.
2020 - 2023
In participating in online gay sex chatrooms, I can experience intimate relationships with other men across the country despite the distance between us in the physical world. I bring forth these exchanges as prints on non-archival material, embracing their natural ephemeral quality, then engaging with the pigment using my saliva.
Rooted in a commitment to experimentation, I continually seek new avenues to express and reshape my narrative. The resulting prints, emanating from intimate online exchanges, move beyond digital confines to occupy shared physical spaces. Going beyond explicit content, my exploration extends to the diverse lives visible through computer screens, weaving a narrative of human connection. In this academic analysis, I delve into the nuanced interplay of art, digital spaces, and tangible experiences, offering a comprehensible perspective on the intricate relationship between artistic expression and universal human connections.
2019 - 2021
Through a collection of photographs created from a variety of digital and film cameras, I document the everyday happenings in the life I share with my long-term partner. These glimpses into our relationship, ranging from candid exchanges to moments marked by fear and adoration, are carefully assembled into handmade books. These books feature delicate materials such as vellum and Japanese paper, creating a tangible and immersive experience for readers. My dedication to innovation and experimentation is evident in the continuous exploration of new expressive avenues. Through this visual journey, I aim to elevate conceptual ideas and convey the inherent beauty found in ordinary moments. I invite others to join me in this reflective exploration of love and anticipating loss through accessible and engaging visual narratives.
2020
As a gay man, I learned a lot about how to be intimate with other men through gay pornography. When I was younger, porn was much more accessible compared to other media such as television, movies, or literature when it came to seeing people who were like me. There was a world of men who were intimate with other men, whether it be for lustful or loving reasons, and this was a world that I had little to no exposure to growing up. While much of gay pornography focuses on the fulfillment of sexual desire, there are moments within it that blur the line between eroticism and romanticism. This series highlights these moments by removing them from the world of pornography into a space that focuses more on aesthetics and passion.